I'm a lover, not a fighter.

(Foreword: So... I wrote this the moment I got home from the movie. I saw it the first showing, the first night. I bought my tickets over a month ago, the moment they went on sale. And the following post was my reaction. Yes, I know it sounds crazy. And it has taken me 4 days to decide to post it because of that craziness. But, I think that you all will get a kick out of my eccentricities. Also, I wore a shirt that says, "lover not a fighter" and a black silky MJish jacket. All you Michael fans out there would recognize that in "The Girl is Mine," from the Thriller album, which is a duet with Paul McCartney, Michael says, "I think I told you, I'm a lover, not a fighter!" And that was sort of a theme of his life. So, I bought the shirt and wore it to his movie. The end. Love, Audrey)
I just got back from Michael Jackson's "This is it."

I am speechless.

I am not trying to be dramatic. I

am being totally serious. And you can laugh if you want. But really, it was...powerful.

In the words of Stephanie, my lovely sister and fellow MJ enthusiast, "Let's start a charity that raises money to make sure that everyone in the world can see that movie because it will make their lives so much better!!!!"

I replied, "SERIOUSLY!! That was the best thing I have EVER SEEN!"

And she said, "That was the best thing that has EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!"

And I don't know why. I can't explain it. It was just IT. But so much more than that. I just don't even know what to say.

The odd thing about that little texting conversation is that I know we were both being serious. Stephanie may have exaggerated a little bit, but I know she meant it.

And the whole time, while I was freaking out inside and wanted to yell or scream or faint or something, I was thinking, "WHAT IF WE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS FOR REAL?!?!!?" What if it wasn't just a rehearsal? What if we could actually attend the show, LIVE? I can suddenly understand why and how the people who went to his concerts scream and cry and faint (there are several YouTube videos showing this) when he is performing. I could barely contain myself in a dark theater, watching footage of a mere rehearsal of the real thing. It was incredible. Somehow, Michael had this ability to draw emotion. He had nearly perfected it. I just don't understand. I am still reeling, and the movie ended about 40 minutes ago. And yes, I am already blogging about it. But that is because I don't know what else to do. I just want to tell the world. And I can't sleep. I'm too excited. And mystified.

And then it just makes me sad. He had so much more in him. The talent was not gone. He was not decrepit in the slightest. He actually seemed very much like a normal person-- or as normal as you can get when you're Michael Jackson. But what if the world could have seen those concerts? What if we could have heard more music? Even though I was sad before, his death wasn't something that affected me too much. I wrote about this in the "In Memoriam" post, but he had already seemed dead to me, so it didn't seem like that much of a loss. But after seeing this movie, I can see the loss. It's HUGE. And painful.

For real, the movie started with complete silence, a black screen, and scrolling white letters, introducing the movie. Steph and I clung to each other's arms, and were both kind of hyperventilating. I ALMOST burst. I was FREAKING OUT. Finally, right before the segment ended, Stephanie couldn't take it anymore, and a medium-sized scream burst out. And then I could let mine go.

And throughout the movie Steph kept saying things like,"What is happening? Is this real?" And "look at him. That's Michael Jackson." And when they were rehearsing for "They Don't Care About Us," we were both like, "He's just teaching those dancers the choreography! He just walks in, shakes his head, and shows them how to do it." And once, when it showed one of his particularly crazy outfits, she said, "whoever designed that had lots of good ideas." I agreed.

He was a master. A genius. All the people kept saying, "Michael just really knows his music." And he did. He told them exactly how he wanted everything played, really, exactly how he wanted it. And everyone just followed his cues the whole time. He practically conducted the show, while he was performing. He started and stopped everything. And he had a vision. He used emotions and feeling to know how to do a song. He would pause and everyone would be like, "What's going on?" And he would say, "I'm just sizzling," like that was a totally normal, everyday activity. And for him, it probably is.

Michael Jackson could move a crowd. And somehow, that ability extended through a theater screen in Provo, Utah, and hit me: right smack dab in the heart.